Wednesday, March 19, 2008

I'm Struggling

As I sat in the recliner in Sadie's room last night rocking her asleep, I felt her tiny cool breath on me as she exhaled. She was asleep and the only light in the room was the moon shining through the blinds. Yet it was just enough for me to see her silhouette. I was saddened at the realization that Sadie is getting big. She's not my "little baby" any more. She talks (okay hollers), laughs at jokes, is smart (understands no and pushes the limits anyway), and is getting tall! Especially now that I can compare how far Ashton has come since the day he was born, I can see how Sadie is quickly on the road to being as big as Ashton. It makes me sad that soon I will not be rocking her, holding her as she sleeps. Aaron often jokes around with Ashton asking him if he will still (fill in the blank) when he's in high school; I suppose Aaron talking like that doesn't help me.

Plus I wish I had more time alone with Ashton.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Oh dear God...

Today I don't know whether I want to scream or cry.

The Kansas Gas Service bill arrived in the mail today: $414.70. I could explain, but it won't make any difference now. The bottom line is $414.70.

God help us...

Friday, March 14, 2008


I just want to scream!

It is 11:30pm and I still need to shower before bed, but I can't help but vent.

Background: Last year the case of Hanna Polling vs. The U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services, in which the plaintiff’s parents claimed that vaccines contributed to their child’s autism, was settled in favor of the plaintiff. March 6, 2008, Larry King interviewed the parents of the nine-year-old child who developed symptoms of autism shortly after receiving nine vaccines at her 19-month checkup.

Today: The AAP released a statement to address the recent controversy on vaccines and autism. It began with a discussion on what autism is and what the theoretical causes may be, along with reassurance that there is no evidence of any connection between vaccines and autism. The policy went on to explain what mitochondrial disease is and how this may have played a role in the Hannah Polling case. It concluded with a discussion on the overall safety and benefits of vaccines and urged parents to continue to vaccinate as usual.

I understand the risks associated with the diseases, and I understand that the rate of the diseases being manifest has gone down since the introduction of vaccines, but what I don't understand is the research that shows vaccines have some very rare but potentially serious side effects (because there are some). And there is a bit of research that shows there may be a link between autism and vaccines in some children, as the Hannah Polling case reflects.

Or perhaps what I should say is I don't understand how the AAP expects me to go along with them and stick my head in the sand. I mean, at least acknowledge the above mentioned research. Preferably, disprove the disturbing research or come up with an explaination. But don't demean me for having questions that no one has answered (especially when it comes to the welfare of my children)! When the AAP discredits or ignores all the real true-to-life stories like Hanna's instead of acknowledging the repeated correlation of vaccines and autism, I feel as though I can't believe a word that comes from their mouths!

Aghh, the same goes for the the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. After the release of "The Business of Being Born," (a new documentary by former talk show host Ricki Lake that explores various methods of childbirth) and a national campaign to license more midwives to preside over births at home in an effort to lower the chances of unneeded surgery, ACOG reiterated "its long-standing opposition to home births...ACOG acknowledges a woman's right to make informed decisions regarding her delivery and to have a choice in choosing her health care provider, but ACOG does not support programs that advocate for, or individuals who provide, home births...Childbirth decisions should not be dictated or influenced by what's fashionable, trendy, or the latest cause célèbre."

I understand the risks and complications that can suddenly arise during pregnancy and labor. And I understand that hospitals are more prepared for emergencies. But I also understand that there are risks for choosing to deliver in a hospital as opposed to at a freestanding birth center or at home (i.e. germs and the like, unnecessary surgery, complications of surgery)! Does ACOG really expect me to stick my head in the sand? How dare they disgrace me for taking all things into consideration. I want to be the one to make the best decision for me (which isn't the same for everyone), and I can't do that if they go and make statements like that. (When ACOG says it does not "support programs that advocate for home births" they are essentially disallowing an MD to collaborate with a homebirth midwife. I might as well say goodbye all homebirth CNM's. Not to mention obstetricians and gynecologists have a personal interest in their "position statement" -- more business for themselves; hardly objective.)

I just don't get it.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Bad Day

I had a bad day. Okay, a bad half-of-a-day. But it was a BAD half-of-a-day. Both of the kids are half well / half sick. Sadie is strong willed, I tell you -- she gets cranky and more determined when I tell her "no." And she's only 8 months old! I can't believe it -- the 8-month-old was more testing than the 3-year-old. So between her being half sick and challenging, I spent my entire afternoon changing poopy diapers, scrubbing poopy clothes, telling Sadie she couldn't pull my hair only for her to try harder, distracting a strong-willed Sadie from pulling my hair, only to do it over and over and over again. Aaron also got home late from work (I knew he would be 1.5 hours late, but not 2.5 hours). At one point, Sadie was crying, Ashton was crying (because he was being disciplined for hurting Sadie), and I was crying. I so desperately wanted to get out of the house and be by myself. I don't know if I'm cut out for this Mommy business (a little late now, hunh?). Do I REALLY want more kids??

I had a whole other post I have been wanting to write, but haven't gotten around to. And I am still not going to discuss it in great detail right now, but it HAS TO BE related to my day today -- I am so out of touch with God and our relationship is mostly historical. Therefore, I am unintentionally depending on Aaron to make me happy and/or complete, instead of getting that from God. And this has to do with my day today because when I am not in communion with God I am able to see the devastating consequences. I am disappointed in myself for the way I acted today, for the way I lost my calm, and for the things I said. I am sorry and need to ask for forgiveness. And I am convinced again that I can not do "it" on my own -- I am in need of my Savior.